Children's "Rights?"

The website, childrenanddivorce.com, posted a list of the "rights" of children who are going through a divorce. The privileges are taken from the book Don't Divorce Your Children and state that, "recognizing these rights is the key to healthy and joyful post-divorce relationships with children." I've listed them below:

--A lasting relationship with both parents --Number one status in their parents' lives  --Parental cooperation throughout the divorce  --Truthful answers to their questions  --Relief from feelings of guilt and blame --Freedom from interparental hostility --Attention to their thoughts and feelings  --Input into the visitation schedule  --Privacy in communication with family and friends  --No displacement by competing relationships --No requirement to parent their parents --Freedom from the role of messenger --No coercion to keep secrets  --An understanding of the divorce agreement Some I agree with, others I believe are controversial. The one's that I think are debatable are colored in red, the one's I believe are idealistic yet unattainable are colored in blue, and the points in black are givens.  Parental cooperation throughout the divorce and truthful answers to the children's questions are harsh, difficult to understand and confusing. Divorce should be explained in a way that allows the child to grasp it without thinking differently of either parent. "Why are you getting divorced?" asked the five-year-old to her mother. "Because your father cheated on me," she replied. A child who is five years of age should not know what that means or think illy of her father at such an age. Being completely honest with your children is not always the greatest thing to do. Throughout the divorce process it's important to hold back some of the truth from your children.  Privacy and communication with family and friends and an understanding of the divorce agreement are idealistic pursuits. I don't think they're obtainable, however, if the child is a younger age. The child isn't going to understand why mommy is moving out or why daddy has an apartment away from home. An understanding of the divorce agreement would require an extreme amount of maturity that most children do not possess. Privacy should be a right to all people as well, but if a child's mom or dad hears him or her speaking on the phone about the divorce, they're going to eavesdrop. Who wouldn't want to know what their child thinks of the divorce and what he or she is telling her friends about it?  Do you think all of these points are "rights"? Do you find any controversies in these points?

Positive/Negative: Effects of Divorce on Children

Assumptions are made when it comes to married families with children:
1. if the parents are together, the children will be happy
2. it's more beneficial for children to be raised in a fighting-free environment
3. even if the couple were to divorce, the children would bounce back quickly.

But in 1971, Judith Wallerstein started a study on th effects of divorce on children where she proved the above assumptions as false. In her study, she stated that children were suffering deeply from their parents' split, even up to decades after. She also notes that parenting is less stable after undergoing a divorce and because of this many children assume the role of a parent and care for their younger siblings and supervise their homework while cooking and cleaning up after them; these children close their own emotions off in order to help their family. Children have a 'second-class' childhood, says Wallerstein, making themselves sick over the health of their parents.

Judith Wallerstein also states that children benefit from staying in the same home and school, and having an involved father, but because divorce usually breaks this up, children feel emotionally distressed.

There is another myth that divorce is a silver-lining for children in unhappy marriages. I believe this is a huge possibility that most people overlook because of stereotypical outlooks on children of divorce.This article, however, fails to note an equilibrium between both myths. There is a balance between the two because I grew up in a similar environment. Divorce doesn't always have to be a bad thing; it's hard at first, but personally, I'd rather be from a family that's happier apart than unhappy together.

Daughters and Divorce

In 2010 an article was published by the NY Times asking if girls caused divorce. When two college students collaborated from the universities of Rochester and U.C.L.A., they discovered there was a role in gender and divorce; that role was a 5% gap between the likelihood of parents to divorce if they gave birth to girls as opposed to boys. Besides our country's cultural belief that boys are easier to raise than girls, could they really be the cause of divorce? Steven Landsburg answered this study with an interesting argument, stating that perhaps boys make marriage more bearable; fathers are more likely to stay in a marriage if they have a son. Also answering this study was a Notre Dame professor, Anita Kelly; Kelly turned the question around and questioned that maybe women with daughters depend less on their husbands. Mothers and daughters hold a special bond and can depend on each other in times of loneliness and despair.

...Or maybe it's a possible combination of both sides. While it's true that males and females can share gender bonds, there are so many things to take into account before judging some things. Age, gender, religion, culture, ethnicity, home-life, and attitude to name a few. Everyone makes assumptions and everyone judges, but not everyone does these things with the entire picture in mind; it depends on many other external factors. The bottom line is: we will never know the full story. We cannot average all divorces together and pop out its underlying cause. Do you think there is truth behind the role of gender in divorce?

Divorce

Intro

The divorce rate of first year marriages in the United States is 41%; it's commonplace to be raised in a single parent household and have divorced parents. This topic stood out to me because I stemmed from this particular type of environment. Along with the title of divorced parents comes the preconceived stereotypes; this includes:

•  negative labeling from peers
•  being seen as coming from a broken family
• having the label of a rebellious, misunderstood child

The list is boundless. With this blog, I am going to focus on the faulty and cliched perceptions of divorce on children in hopes of reshaping this superficial perspective.